boyutpedia Chapter 1404 Night
Chapter 1404 Night
Chapter 1404 Night
"..."
Upon seeing those last few words, Chi Jingyuan's fingertips suddenly stopped, and he even missed a beat of breath.
Although they were all words of encouragement and praise, seeing them made my heart feel like it had been hit by something, a mix of soreness and throbbing.
"Keep going, my friend..." That last piece of advice pierced his heart like a fine needle.
Although no name was mentioned, he certainly knew that the friend being referred to was him.
Because of similar words, Kim Jong-hyun had said them to him personally... These were also the last words this longtime friend spoke to him before disappearing from his world.
The tablet grew heavier in his hand, and the light became somewhat dazzling. He stared at the words on the screen, and all his previous emotions seemed to surge up at this moment. Suddenly, he felt a surge of genuine irritation and didn't want to look anymore. He wanted to throw all those emotions out of his mind.
"Is it okay..."
Bae Joo-hyun keenly noticed the change in Ji Kyung-won's emotions, and immediately reached out to gently pat his shoulder, asking softly.
"..."
Chi Jingyuan clenched his fist tightly, turned the tablet upside down beside him, and then forced a faint smile and shook his head at Bae Joo-hyun.
Then, he leaned all his strength against the back of the small sofa, closed his eyes, and didn't want others to see his appearance and emotions at that moment.
Although Bae Joo-hyun was the only person next to her, there were people all around.
When Bae Joo-hyun saw Ji Kyung-won's appearance, she immediately knew that he was in a bad state. Of course, she also knew what he was thinking, so she didn't ask anything and just sat there quietly.
Moreover, she was also very upset. Although her relationship with Kim Jong-hyun was not as good as that with Ji Kyung-won, they were still close friends at the company. His sudden suicide would be a strong shock to anyone.
When Bae Joo-hyun saw the news today, she felt very uneasy. A friend had suddenly passed away, and in such a strange and unclear way, it was a kind of 'suicide'. It made her feel a sense of fear. She had just cried with the other members for a while. Everyone was very sad.
Until I saw Ji Jingyuan... although Ji Jingyuan was in a bad mood and in a very bad state.
But she knew best in her heart that the moment she saw Chi Jingyuan, she felt instantly at ease.
Ji Kyung-won and Bae Joo-hyun sat there quietly, their demeanor a stark contrast to the bustling, chaotic crowd around them. Of course, others noticed them, such as the other members of Red Velvet, Kim Tae-yeon, and many acquaintances and staff members, who all came over, seemingly wanting to say something to Ji Kyung-won.
But... Chi Jingyuan really felt very agitated. The suffocating feeling created by that intense sense of unreality surrounded him, and he really didn't want to talk.
His friends noticed his state and understood, so they didn't bother him too much... because many people are in the same boat.
Chi Jingyuan just sat there, seemingly out of place with his surroundings.
It was already very late, and the company was still in chaos. As he grew increasingly frustrated and wanted to leave, he suddenly didn't know where to go.
He was filming on set in Gangwon Province in the afternoon, and by evening he was sitting in the lobby on the eighth floor of the company, feeling lost, irritable, and suffocated. The events of the day and everything around him seemed to have become a burden, and he really didn't know what to do.
Have a meal?
I was indeed a bit hungry, but who's in the mood to eat right now?
drink wine?
He used to drink as the best way to vent when he encountered frustrating things, so he really wants to drink now and get drunk.
But today is really not the right day.
Moreover, deep down, he actually felt some resistance.
When you're feeling irritable, a night of drinking can make you feel much better when you wake up.
But once someone is gone, no matter how much they drink, they won't come back.
Ji Jingyuan and Bae Joo-hyun exchanged a few words in hushed tones to comfort the young lady, who was clearly in a bad mood, before leaving the company.
"Jingyuan, where are we going?"
As he got into the car, Cui Zhichang, who was driving, asked.
Chi Jingyuan slumped back in his chair, remaining silent for a long while:
"go home."
…………
"Oh my god, I almost fell asleep just now."
"Be careful, Sangmin oppa just glared at you."
At SBS television station, Twice, who had just finished recording a program, returned from the studio. On the way, several of them stretched and looked exhausted.
Everyone is exhausted from running around all day today, but unfortunately, after this schedule is over, they still have a radio show and an interview to do. If all goes well, they probably won't be able to get off work until around 1 a.m.
The group chatted casually as they returned to the lounge, but once inside, they immediately sensed that something was amiss.
The atmosphere in the room seemed a bit strange. Both the agent and the assistant seemed to be in a mess, huddled together, talking rapidly and somewhat anxiously.
"What's wrong, unnie?"
Lim Nayeon walked over, put her arm around his shoulder, and asked.
"Watch the news."
One agent didn't say it explicitly.
"Still keeping me in suspense?"
Several members casually found a place to sit down, they were just too tired, but a few of them, driven by curiosity, immediately turned on their phones.
As soon as I opened the page, I was shocked by the fiery red news that completely dominated the headlines.
"No, isn't it?"
When Lim Nayeon and the others saw the brief message "Kim Jonghyun's suicide" and "confirmed death" on their phones, they felt a strong, unbelievable shock wash over them.
"what happened?"
"What happened?"
The expressions on their faces were immediately noticed by those nearby, who then all pulled out their phones. Within a minute, everyone had seen the message.
The atmosphere in the lounge instantly turned heavy. The previous lively conversation vanished, leaving only gasps and suppressed gasps.
"how can that be possible?"
"Jonghyun? Is that Jonghyun from SHINE?"
"No."
“I saw him last month.”
When people encounter something they cannot accept, their first reaction is to question its authenticity. However, the explosive news that dominated almost all the top ten trending topics told them that it was a real event.
Everyone in Twice was stunned; almost everyone was speechless. Nayeon and Jeongyeon looked at each other, as if trying to confirm from the other's face whether they had made a mistake.
Mina stared at the screen in astonishment, covering her mouth to hide her surprise, while also shrinking slightly as if she were a little cold.
Chou Tzu-yu was also incredulous, her eyes wide open. She clearly remembered that Ji Kyung-won had mentioned that he was drinking and partying with his friends, and Kim Jong-hyun was among them.
Why did it suddenly...
Of course they knew Kim Jonghyun. They often ran into him at the TV station when SHINee was active. Although they weren't close friends, he was definitely a senior in the industry they knew.
But this familiar senior, without any warning, suddenly committed suicide?
More importantly, this is a very popular idol who comes from a big company like SM Entertainment... which makes it even more hard to imagine.
The sudden disappearance of someone you knew from the world, as if shrouded in shadow, gave everyone a chilling sense of unease.
Even if you don't know Kim Jong-hyun, as a fellow artist in the industry, seeing this news will inevitably evoke a strong sense of shared sorrow and empathy.
The group finally realized what their agents and assistants had been talking about.
This kind of event, which happens only once every few years, truly gave these young female idols, who were only around twenty years old and had little experience, a severe shock.
"This is really... the whole industry is in a panic. I heard that all the artists under SM Entertainment have stopped their activities." Manager Kim Sang-min sighed beside him.
After a moment of silence, Lim Nayeon suddenly asked in a low voice, "Does Kyungwon oppa know about this? Isn't he close to Jonghyun sunbaenim?"
"You know, the news has been out for two hours now."
"You should know by now. I saw someone online say they saw his van outside SM Entertainment," Park Jihyo said, looking at her phone. "But I'm not sure."
"I know, he even changed his Instagram profile picture." Yu Dingyan interrupted after scrolling through her phone a couple of times, then showed it to the people next to her.
Ji Kyung-won's Instagram profile picture has turned completely black.
Just looking at this deep, dark portrait, devoid of any light, one can almost feel the oppressive and suffocating sensation.
Upon hearing this, Mina's heart immediately tightened.
Having dated Chi Jingyuan for so long, she understands her ex-boyfriend quite well in some ways. Deep down, he is actually a somewhat immature and nostalgic person who values his friendships and relationships.
The sudden death of his closest friend must have overwhelmed him with shock, disorientation, fear, and confusion.
Mina could almost feel the heaviness in Ji Kyung-won's heart just by thinking about it, and her heart ached involuntarily.
She wanted to call him, ask what happened, and talk to him, but...
Before she could make a decision, Chou Tzu-yu, who was not far away, had already picked up the phone and dialed.
Mina looked at her with some tension: This maknae seemed really anxious and worried. She just sat there, without avoiding or hiding anything, and made the call right in front of her teammates and her manager.
Although it wasn't explicitly stated who it was for... who wouldn't have guessed?
At this moment, Tzuyu's anxiety was palpable. She was indeed surprised to see the news about Jonghyun, but soon, her focus shifted.
She thought of Chi Jingyuan, especially after hearing Yu Dingyan say that he had changed his profile picture...
Although it might sound harsh, she wasn't close to Kim Jong-hyun, and she was actually more concerned about his current state.
The others, including Lim Nayeon, watched silently as Chou Tzu-yu made her phone call, but she seemed to be unable to get through after dialing several times.
"Tzuyu..." Lim Nayeon leaned closer and asked in a low voice.
Chou Tzu-yu frowned, her short face showing anxiety and concern, and shook her head:
"...No one answered."
"I guess she's probably busy... with something this big." Yu Dingyan said, offering a word of comfort.
Chou Tzu-yu bit her lip and secretly glanced at her manager, Kim Sang-min, who was standing not far away and had been pretending not to see her.
...She really has the urge to take a day off and go see him directly.
Meanwhile, Sana Minatozaki, sitting slightly to the side in a corner, was pursing her lips, staring at her phone, lost in thought.
After seeing the news of Kim Jong-hyun's passing, after the initial shock, I suddenly felt conflicted and angry. In the face of life and death, these feelings suddenly seemed less important.
She wondered if she should send Chi Jingyuan a text message, even if it was just a simple word of comfort.
However, there is also the worry that it might annoy people or even... have the opposite effect.
…………
When Chi Jingyuan returned home, his older brother and sister were not there. He was too lazy to even take a shower, and he didn't turn on the lights at all. He put his phone on silent and upside down next to him, then collapsed onto the bed and buried himself in it.
As soon as I close my eyes, the suicide note I had seen before comes to mind, the whole despairing confession, and the message related to him that is even more heartbreaking.
"I have been suffering from depression since I was a child..."
"I want to escape..."
Even if you can't see me off with a smile, please don't blame me.
"Keep it up, my friend."
"You can definitely do better than me."
Every word, every sentence, every paragraph kept appearing in my mind. Although I had only read it once, it was incredibly profound. Even if I wanted to forget it, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
These words, these phrases, lingered in his mind like ghosts... Chi Jingyuan suddenly felt a pang of hatred for his extraordinary memory.
Then, he couldn't help but recall the little things about how he met Kim Jong-hyun.
The first time we met was probably at the company. He had just joined SM Entertainment not long before SHINE had already debuted. At that time, this guy greeted him with a smile, saying, "You're even more handsome than the rumors say."
After their debut, they met frequently as artists from the same company and gradually got to know each other.
What improved Ji Kyung-won's impression of this guy was that later, EXO and SHINee became competitors to some extent, taking away a lot of high-quality resources, but this guy did not change his attitude; he remained optimistic, positive, and enthusiastic.
After that, they became familiar with each other, and Chi Jingyuan found his personality to be quite good and to his liking.
We got to know each other better, had more and more gatherings, drank more and more, played together, and sometimes when we encountered difficulties, we would call each other to confide in each other.
Before we knew it, this year had arrived.
The last impression, or rather the last image, left on Ji Kyung-won was the few words Kim Jong-hyun spoke to him while he was soaking in a hot spring at the last gathering.
Recalling how I met Kim Jong-hyun, and all the memories over the years, bit by bit, suddenly, a strong feeling of bitterness welled up in my eyes, and a tear broke free of its restraint, running down my cheek and across my temple before dripping onto the bed.
From the moment he heard the news, to the moment he confirmed the death on the way to the company, to the moment he saw the suicide note, Chi Jingyuan had a constant urge to cry, but he held back.
But now, in the dead of night, when he was all alone, he finally couldn't control himself.
Tears are just a release of emotions, but even as he sheds tears, Chi Kyung-won still feels deeply suppressed and unable to shake off the feeling.
He felt guilty. He considered himself a close friend, but despite knowing him for so long and having met him many times recently, he had never realized that Kim Jong-hyun was suffering from severe depression and living such a painful and miserable life every day.
Perhaps Jonghyun disguised himself so well that no one around him noticed.
But it's also possible that he's too arrogant, disdainful, or unwilling to truly understand others.
Ji Jingyuan also felt guilty. When he saw the suicide note, he realized that the part about him in the note was the last thing Kim Jonghyun said to him when they were at the hot spring party.
At the time, Chi Jingyuan couldn't understand the sudden emotional fluctuations in this guy. Now it seems that he might have finally lost control and really wanted to confide in him during his 'escape'.
He even said something like "I envy you" to Ji Jingyuan twice, but Ji Jingyuan didn't understand at the time and instead jokingly replied, "I envy you too."
He was just saying that casually at the time, without any malice intended.
But now it seems... incredibly hurtful.
At this moment, Ji Kyung-won closed his eyes and couldn't help but wonder, when Kim Jonghyun suddenly said all that, was it because he finally wanted to share his inner pain with someone? Was it... because he wanted to ask for help?
What if... he had replied to him more seriously back then, or been more perceptive and noticed that something was wrong with him?
Is it possible that none of these things would have happened today?
The thought that their last conversation had turned out like this, and the possibility of it all, overwhelmed him with regret and pain.
Beyond these already heavy and suffocating emotions, there was something else that burdened him even more, that made him feel irritable and confused—or rather, that was reality.
That is... he's not as good as Jonghyun thought.
"I have a good friend whom I admire very much. He is excellent, loyal, friendly, and does everything very well."
"He always stays true to himself. Even when he makes mistakes, he has the ability to correct them and make changes to improve the lives of those around him. Every time I see him, I think to myself, 'This is the kind of person I want to be.'"
Are these words referring to Ji Kyung-won?
This might be how Kim Jong-hyun sees Ji Kyung-won, and also how Ji Kyung-won sees himself in everyday life.
Handsome, confident, outstanding, like the sun.
At this moment, Chi Jingyuan objectively reviewed his experiences over the past few years and thought of those he had hurt:
You can be friends with him and not realize he's been depressed for years. Even if you seem to have a good relationship, deep down he's still arrogant and looks down on everyone.
Those who are close to him, who care about him, and who worry about him, are only blamed, misunderstood, and deliberately ignored. They don't even receive a verbal apology and are simply categorized as 'an unimportant person whom I don't see often.'
Dating him means either being cheated on as a matter of course, being hurt, having your self-esteem eroded, or becoming someone who deceives themselves.
Or, even if you love him with all your heart and he is the only thing on your mind, you will only get a "I'm tired of him" and end up heartbroken.
Chi Jingyuan looked back and examined himself.
How could he be the person Kim Jonghyun described as someone who "does everything well" and "makes those around him better"?
"Keep it up, my friend."
"You can definitely do better than me."
The words of the departing person carry immense weight, but Kim Jonghyun's praise and expectations truly made Ji Kyungwon feel guilty, disappointed, and ashamed.
It burdened him, made him feel lost and sad... but at the same time, it also made him think.
Throughout the entire night, Chi Jingyuan was caught in a web of memories and fantasies, struggling and agonizing over feelings of regret, anger, and guilt.
I was sometimes awake, sometimes half asleep, but I never really fell asleep.
No update tomorrow, please take a day off.